For Shavak, with Shavak ~ a Ballad

Written on 13 June 2025

We met when we were 
Oh so young..
I, not yet twenty 
And you, barely twenty two
You wooed me with biscuits 
From the students’ store
Charming me with this
Simple thoughtfulness 

From friendship to romance 
Was heady, sweet and swift
But I simply wasn’t ready 
Just three months on for your
Quietly sure marriage proposal!
I stuttered, “Really..??
How do you know that
You will feel like this, always?”

You, smiling your calm and
Knowing smile, said softly 
“Of course, I know for certain 
I will never change my mind
It’s you I want to wake up to
Each and every morning for
The remaining days of our lives.”

And so, I quelled my rising doubts 
Took another three months to 
Say, “Yes, ok, I too can do this.”
And then I built this beautiful 
Happily-ever-after fantasy for
The next several months until 
You left for your new life, to begin 
A purposeful pursuing of your
Cherished career goals and dreams

Then arose in my mind the doubts
Unquelled, unchecked, unbidden 
My mind reeling in confusion 
Acknowledging I did not know
The meaning of that most potent
Four letter word spelt L-O-V-E
So what would I know of the
Forever-after concept, Marriage?

We parted, only to come together 
Two years later in friendship 
And now this friendship deepened 
Quietly and slowly, and I began to
See love is not defined but felt 
I accepted that we were meant
For each other, just as you had
All along equably predicted 

And so began our new life, mine
Intertwined in yours, as lovers
As spouses and then as parents
And your family folded me into
A warm and capacious embrace
That revealed depth and breadth 
Of true love, way beyond my ken

We journeyed together, Shavak 
You and I, through dizzying joys 
And deepest troughs. Here always
Your calm, generous acceptance 
Steadied my wildly rocking boat
Till I began to see that I could let
Go of the pretence of control 
And allow life to sway me to the
Dance of unpredictable rhythms 

Now that you are gone my darling
I see you are still here in my heart
And the hearts of our three girls 
Your presence also in our home
Is real, as our family and friends 
Will aver; our tears of deep loss
Turn easily to peals of laughter 
As we share memories and stories 
Innumerable, each more precious 
Than anything measurable or 
Knowable; I pause in my grasping 
For meaning and answers to this
Unanswerable question, “Why?
Why did you have to leave when 
I was so unprepared, why now?”

So I breathe in your love and then
Release a long, trembling exhale
The out-breath reminding me that 
You and I still have many steps
In this, our dance of togetherness
Go well, my love and know this
My being is expanded by your love.